‘You’re getting a round of applause and a new badge, what more do you f**king want?’ Matt Hancock asks carers

UK Politics
We can all eat insects in our post-apocalyptic no-deal Brexit hell says Health Secretary Matt Hancock

Health Secretary Matt Hancock has responded to criticism from the social care sector by reminding carers that they will be included in the round of applause on Thursday night at 8PM and that they now have their own lapel pin.

At the daily briefing on Wednesday Mr Hancock announced a new brand for social care across Britain including a new badge with the ‘CARE’ written on it.

‘Carers across the country are putting their own lives at risk on the frontline’ said Hancock. ‘And to let them know how much they are appreciated we’re giving them this new badge that they can wear with pride. But this doesn’t seem to be enough for some people, ungrateful bastards. Some people and never happy’.

Care worker Ashley Hepburn is unimpressed with the offer of a new badge.

‘I was just wiping the arse of a 93-year-old dementia sufferer when I heard Matt Hancock telling us we would get our own badge’ says Hepburn.

‘A badge? Woohoo! Hopefully they’ll be rolled out soon and I ‘ll get mine in time for it be pinned to my lapel when they put me in the coffin’.

‘Who needs PPE, testing and decent pay and conditions when you can have a f**king badge? Unless I’m missing something and the badge has magical powers and emits a force field that protects wearers from Covid 19’.

The Health Secretary rejected criticism of the lack of proper government funding and confirmed that more funds would be made available for PPE as soon as Captain Tom had completed another 100 laps of his garden.

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