You definitely have cancer, confirms Alexa

Health, Lifestyle and Family, Science and Tech
You definitely have cancer, confirms Alexa

Thousands of people across the land will today be getting their worst fears confirmed by Amazon Alexa.

From today, the voice-assisted technology is automatically searching the official NHS website when UK users ask for health-related advice.

Meaning that users are able to get a quick, free diagnosis from the plastic cylinder in their lounge that the unusual feeling in their stomach or in one of their limbs is most probably cancer and that they’d better start making funeral arrangements.

The government in England said it could reduce demand on the NHS.

Whilst simultaneously reducing the demand on WebMD or MumsNet for a quick diagnosis of what kind of cancer the user’s baby or child has.

“We want to empower every patient to take better control of their healthcare,” said Health Secretary Matt Hancock, announcing the news.

One Alexa owner, Julie Smith, was delighted that the item that had previously only be used to request the playing of a Barry White album during her fortnightly sex sessions with her husband could now diagnose any possibly (and likely cancerous) ailment that she could face.

She told us: “Nine times out of ten when you Google symptoms it tells you that you have cancer.

“So to be able to receive this information by talking to Alexa instead of having to type it into a search engine will be marvelous.

“Just this morning I have discovered I have brain cancer, colon cancer and liver failure, and all that was before breakfast. Amazing, eh?”

The government has set up a unit, NHSX, to boost the use of digital technologies in the health service.

Meaning that very soon, foot amputations could potentially be performed by modified technology that is already in existence, such as a sharpened Roomba being remotely driven at speed towards the legs of a diabetic.

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