The country has now been officially gripped by World Cup fever, which is great news for British business.
“We’ve been doing a roaring trade, the pubs are rammed and we’re taking thousands during every match” said Clive, a burglar from Kent.
So England only went and did it! They came up against penalties in a World Cup, and they didn’t lose. Well done.
With the current weather and the upturn in our football fortunes there is only one conclusion to draw – we have swapped places with Spain.
We can now start napping in the afternoon, not eating until ten at night and using wine to keep the kids quiet.
On the downside God now becomes a very big deal, and we can expect plane loads of shitfaced Spanish wankers to start rampaging through Brighton with their constant demands for paella any day now.
You’ve got to feel for Jordan Henderson – the only penalty-taker not to score.
Fair play to him though – he had his eye on the long game. He assumed that England were going out, and that missing this would make him a shoe-in for manager in 22 years time.
Meanwhile, boozy fans are up in arms after finding out that one of biggest pub groups was upping the prices of it’s drinks on match days by as much as 50p.
Drinkers are believed to be cutting their consumption by as much as ‘not at all’ to ‘a little bit’ in drunken protest.