People who regularly consume soft drinks have a higher risk of an early death, researchers have found, with the trend seen for both sugared and artificially sweetened drinks.
Amber Rudd was seen to punch the air at the news, investing her entire Depeartment for Work and Pensions budget on a variety of full fat and Diet Coke off of EBay to dish out to her constituents.
‘If I start off close to home, then get buy-in from all other government departments, we can bin off 50% of the ageing population before they get to pension age, saving us a fortune. It’s fool proof!’
While experts say the study can not prove sort delinks are a driver of an increased death, they say the work – which is the largest study of its kind – supports recent public health efforts to reduce consumption of soft drinks, such as the sugar tax.
‘I just need those do gooders over in health to wind their necks in. Nobody needs know of the risks, which would mean that we still get income from the sugar tax, but there’ll be no bugger left to claim state pension, meaning whatever’s left, we can blow on Snakebites down Annabelle’s. BoJo’s gonna LOVE me for this one.’
Dr Murphy, the man behind the study, said it might be possible that those frequently consuming artificially sweetened drinks have a sweet tooth and might be eating more sugary snacks, but there was no sign of such an effect in the data.
‘Sugary snacks you say? Proof or no proof, free coke and a complimentary lemon sherbert for everyone!’ said Rudd, opting for a mug of (sugarless) tea over her usual litre of Lilt.