“We’ve pissed all our money up the wall on Brexit. Can’t you just do a Tombola or something?!” says Govt, as schools stare down £5.7bn funding gap.

UK Politics
We’ve pissed all our money up the wall on Brexit. Can’t you do a Tombola or something?! says Govt, as schools stare down £5.7bn funding gap

The Association of School and College Leaders has been told England’s schools face a £5.7bn funding shortfall.

Causing PTFA Mum’s up and down the country to shit themselves.

Education Secretary Damian Hinds said he heard the message “loud and clear”.

But said, ‘We’ve pissed all our money up the wall on Brexit. Can’t you do a tombola or something?’

Janet, head of the PTFA at a primary school in Luton, told us, ‘We’ve got a ‘bring and buy’ sale planned for April. That made £27.52 last year, but anything’s better than nothing I suppose. And there’s the summer fete of course. Although it’ll probably piss down, nobody will turn up and we’ll make a loss. But the left-over burgers are always a nice little bonus for committee members.’

Some heads have said that funding shortages mean taking drastic measures. Class sizes have been increased, some subjects have been removed from the curriculum

and at one school in Doncaster dinner ladies routinely suck off lorry drivers at lunchtime for £20 a time.

There have even been warnings of schools closing for a half-day on Friday to save money.

And to allow staff to get to Bargain Booze before parents.

The ASCL head teachers’ union has calculated how much it believes schools need to solve their funding shortfalls.

They presented their findings to the National Association for PTFA’s who said in a statement. ‘This is going to involve more than what we call “traditional fundraisers.” We’re currently looking at a number of opportunities which involve putting children’s artwork on all sorts of tat and then harassing parents into buying it at rip off prices.’

Damian Hinds responded by saying, ‘Conservatism is built upon the principle of making ordinary people spend excessive amounts to gain access to services which should be funded by tax. I’m proud that our education policy has promoted this line of thinking from a bunch of busybody volunteers with no political experience. It just shows that our message is reaching out to the great unwashed.’

Mr Hinds also addressed concerns over staff shortages – and spoke of the need to reduce the number of teachers leaving their jobs.

‘It’s all about making them desperate.’ He said. ‘The government must make sure the cost of living is sufficiently high, and reduce the chances of alternative employment, then they’ll have to carry on no matter how poor the pay and conditions.’

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