David Cameron has revealed Brexit makes him depressed and accused Michael Gove and Boris Johnson of “trashing the government” with their campaign to leave the EU, in a candid interview ahead of the release of his memoirs.
The announcement triggered bullshit detectors across the country to blare long into the night as Scientist John Timms warned about fogs of near lethal levels of irony within a 40 meter radius of the former Prime Minister.
In a thorough analysis of the statement, Timms said “Does he think that just because Theresa May was clearly an advanced android with the personality of a far less advanced android that anyone has forgotten what he did?”
“I would have thought the only people Cameron would be talking to would be a bottle of single malt, the business end of a shotgun and whoever he paid to ghost write his suicide note.”
“The only words out of his melted face I want to hear are ‘I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry… what have I done to my country?’ ”
An animated Timms postulated “The gall… The sheer balls of this guy… they must actually be visible from space.” Adding that his department were currently re-positioning satellites over Cameron’s £25000 shed in the Cotswold to confirm.
Upon hearing that Cameron was doing press for a new book. Timms responded “Oh, he’s kicked up some controversy to sell a book. I suppose to someone who never truly learned to mimic human emotions, that makes perfect sense.”
When reached for comment to confirm his side of Brexit, Cameron stated “As a privately educated millionaire who inflicted several years of crippling austerity on the country, I thought the voting public would really respond to my anodyne personality and sleepy message of remaining in the EU.”
“Still though, while it wasn’t the result I wanted, by weird coincidence, it means my millionaire friends and millionaire family will reap a huge dividend avoiding those proposed new taxes the EU were touting.”
“Every cloud, eh?” the smarmy twat added.