Coleen Rooney has claimed that Rebekah Vardy leaked stories about her to a tabloid newspaper, after blocking everyone apart from her from viewing her Instagram account and then posting inaccurate stories to it to see what made it into the papers.
Prompting her husband Wayne Rooney to promptly shit himself in fear after realising just how good at sleuthing she is.
“Oh I’m in trouble now, aren’t I” he told us through a Scouse-English translator.
“I had no idea she could do espi-, espyon-, esprionar-, er, spying type stuff like that. She’s a lot smarter than I thought she was. She’s just like that woman who wrote the detective books, you know – Agatha Crispy.”
He went on: “When I’ve had affairs in the past I’ve always wondered how she managed to find out about them. Although in most of those I got photographed kissing the woman in the back of her car, and it was all over the tabloids, so I guess that was easy for her.
“But still, I’d better watch it – if she can get to the bottom of who was leaking stories about her to the press, she might find out about some of my misbehaviour over here in America.”
He concluded: “Who knew that footballer’s wives could be so cold, calculating and determined, eh?”