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The News Dump - Episode One - Mark Dolan
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Met Office issues weather warning. Snow poll results: 52% annoyed, 48% excited.

January 23, 2019

Prince Philip car crash latest: Revealed as new presenter of ‘Top Gear’

January 22, 2019

Eels in the Thames ‘buzzing’ off the cocaine Londoners (literally) piss away. City’s Bankers immediately flock to the river in search of slippery new highs.

January 22, 2019

9 reasons Corbyn won’t be the next Prime Minister – no matter how badly Mrs May does.

January 22, 2019

Theresa May pitches MPs her Plan B. Appears to be exactly the same as ‘Plan A’ but with ‘pretty, pretty please’ written after every line.

January 21, 2019
Fears that blood moon is a sign of impending disaster are confirmed, as Gemma Collins remains in Dancing On Ice

Fears that a blood moon is a sign of impending disaster are confirmed, as Gemma Collins remains in Dancing On Ice

January 21, 2019
Government tackles post-Brexit drugs shortage fears head on. By signing 'confidence and supply' deal with ‘Dodgy Darren’

Government tackles post-Brexit drugs shortage fears head on. By signing ‘confidence and supply’ deal with ‘Dodgy Darren’.

January 18, 2019

Prince Philip crashes car in Norfolk. “It wasn’t my fault, blame the fox I was hunting” he says.

January 18, 2019
Nike announces “smart” trainers that constantly adapt to your foot. Optional parental lock gives mum and dad the option literally ground their kids

Nike announces “smart” trainers that constantly adapt to your foot. Optional parental lock gives mum and dad the option to literally ground their kids.

January 18, 2019
Alex Ferguson for PM

Speculation that the Queen could intervene over Brexit if Mrs May flounders. Her Majesty already lining up Sir Alex Ferguson to form a government and sort this sh*t out.

January 17, 2019
Reasons Post-Apocalyptic Post-Brexit Britain will be Great

7 reasons why life in post-Brexit, post-apocalyptic dystopian Britain is still going to be GREAT. (Number 3 will… well, number 3 will basically just function as adequate clickbait. Read the article – it’s full of jokes!)

January 17, 2019

Corbyn urges end of ‘zombie government’. New spin-off of ‘The Walking Dead’ to become even more tedious than original

January 17, 2019
Piers Morgan hates Gilette

‘Caring’ Gillette advert prompts major backlash. From the biggest tossers in Britain.

January 16, 2019

10 Things That May Happen in Post-Brexit Britain. Spoiler: they WILL happen. Number six will REALLY depress you.

January 16, 2019

Corbyn tables motion of no confidence in government. Police can finally close his missing persons file.

January 16, 2019

Latest News

Gatwick airport to trial valet-parking Robots. Although the technology still hasn’t been developed for anyone – man or machine – to remember which row you’re parked in.

January 23, 2019
New NHS plan focuses on prevention as budget cuts mean all illnesses now reclassified as ‘incurable’

Royal Bournemouth A&E “cuts” waiting times by turning patients away. Other measures include letting down ambulance tyres, and training receptionists to pretend to ignore anyone who does slip past the nurse on the door.

January 23, 2019
Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather

Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather.

January 23, 2019
Social media stars to declare when they’re posting for money. Piers Morgan to declare when he’s being a tosser for attention

Social media stars to declare when they’re posting for money. Piers Morgan to follow suit and declare when he’s being a tosser for attention.

January 23, 2019

BBC once again criticised over pay gap. Some male employees are overpaid – others are massively overpaid.

January 23, 2019

BBC reveals potential entrants for Eurovision 2019. European judges ban dance routines to restrict their freedom of movement.

January 23, 2019

Ant and Dec scoop ‘Best Presenters’ NTA for 18th year in a row. “I’m shaking” said Ant. “Not because I’m emotional. I just haven’t had a drink for a year…”

January 23, 2019

Comic Relief’s Spice Girls T-shirts made in factory with ‘inhuman conditions’. Workers forced to listen to Wannabe on repeat, while Posh herself cracks the whip.

January 23, 2019

Attenborough warns the natural world is in peril. Before confessing that climate change is all his fault.

January 23, 2019
Oscars controversy as this year's noms announced. Not a single bloke in the 'Best Actress' or 'Best Supporting Actress' categories shout furious, marginalised men

Oscars controversy as this year’s noms announced. “Not a single bloke in the ‘Best Actress’ or ‘Best Supporting Actress’ categories” shout furious, marginalised men.

January 23, 2019

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