Warner Bros announce Gringotts Wizarding Bank to open soon. Mrs May’s new plan? Storm it and steal all the gold.

Entertainment, Art & Culture, Popular Right Now, UK Politics
Warner Bros announce Gringotts Wizarding Bank to open soon. Mrs May’s new plan? Storm it and steal all the gold

Harry Potter fans will soon be able to explore Gringotts – the wizarding bank run by goblins – when they take the Warner Bros Studio Tour.

Following the announcement, Theresa May presented her new Brexit plan to the House – attack the bank, kill the goblins and steal the treasure.

Jeremy Corbyn strongly opposed ‘the slaughter of innocent creatures for financial gain’, but was shouted down by Conservatives who reminded him that that’s the exact wording of their manifesto.

Corbyn is likely still smarting after being overlooked for Professor of Herbology at Hogwarts.

According to the books and films, the vast wealth stored at Gringotts is protected by not only the goblins, but also magical booby traps. And dragons.

One MP queried how Mrs May – a Muggle with no known abilities, let alone magical ones – intended to get past security without the ‘Cruciatus Curse’. This spell keeps victims in a state of agony for hours.

Mrs May was quick to remind the House that she’s been doing this to the whole country for two years now.

Her detractors responded with boos and hisses – they may have been speaking Parseltongue, which is the language of evil snakes and as such is the only way to communicate with Boris Johnson.

Meanwhile, Nigel Farage supports the proposal, stating that he is close friends with a ‘grand wizard’.

The exhibit will feature tens of thousands of coins – Galleons, Sickles and Knuts.

Mrs May did not reveal how she intends to solve the Brexit crisis with wizarding gold (which has a fictional worth in excess of a billion pounds, but is actually worth less than a ‘Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Bean’).  

Regardless, she appeared to win the support of Conservative MPs, who showed their support by pointing their wands skyward and summoning a ‘Dark Mark’ in the shape of a diabetic single mother taking her final, insulin-deprived breath in a derelict Sainsbury’s.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.