31 year old Vegan Claudia Campenella, works at a UK university.
In her spare time she genuinely does give a shit. In fact, many shits.
Claudia’s perfect poos are riddled with so called ‘good’ bacteria, which means they can be used as part of a pioneering ‘faecal transplant’ procedure.
“Some of my friends think it is a bit weird or disgusting, but it doesn’t worry me” said Claudia. “I’m a prolific shitter and have no problem sharing my shits.”
“It’s very easy to donate. Although I’m always so disappointed if I do a ‘self clearing one’. You know, one that leaves no skid marks on the toilet and when you turn to flush isn’t even there. Like a stealth shit. Sometimes if it wasn’t for the first quick strain you’d almost believe you’d imagined it.”
“They’re thankfully rare – so I manage to get my hand and tupperware in place for almost all of them.”
Scientists believe some people’s poo might contain the perfect mix of healing bacteria to fix the most serious gut diseases. They call these people super-donors – and there’s evidence that Vegans make particularly good candidates.
Experts are exploring what might make the vegan stool “superior”. The working hypothesis is that it’s all down to the vegan’s general sense of smugness, their healthy lifestyle, and the fact that they tend to be annoyingly caring, considerate and concerned, not just about their own welfare, but those of others and whole planet. The gits.
Researchers are now actively seeking new Super Poo donors
If you’ve done a poo you’re really proud of (it must be your own – don’t poo hunt from people in public lavatories), simply place it in a sealable bag or container (not paper – this is no time to be thinking about recycling) and deliver to your local hospital receptionist.
Be sure to state clearly “I have a poo for you – you are welcome.” Then leave knowing that you may have helped saved a life by once, just this once, actually giving a shit.