It seems that the release of the new vegan sausage roll on January 3rd has had a massive impact on overall profits for Greggs. The chain revealed that in established stores, sales had gone up by 9.6% during the seven weeks leading up to February 16th.
However many of the consumers who contributed to this massive spike in sales have admitted that they themselves are not big fans of the product, but were instead influenced by the primal instinct that lurks deep within their very being to see Piers Morgan suffer. Said one Greggs customer, having just purchased ten of the rolls, “Honestly they’re the worst thing I’ve ever tasted, but it’s worth it just to imagine the look on his face.”
The success following the launch is perhaps to be expected since stores reportedly struggled to keep up with the demand for the vegan sausage rolls after selling hundreds of thousands within its first week on the menu.
Back during this first week boom we had an opportunity to speak to one of the biggest bulk buyers of the vegan treat and were shocked to discover that it was Nathan of all people. This is surprising because Nathan is an “I’m-not-like-other-millennials-millennial” and they are usually super annoying about how much they hate vegans. You know the type. One of those guys who is weirdly performative about how much he likes bacon and will always work what he benches at the gym into any conversation. It’s like wow Nathan you shared another meme about how manly beards are, that’s sooooo interesting. God dammit, Nathan this is why everyone blocked you from the group chats.
Anyway, he said that even though he had formed a cultivated identity around despising anything associated with millennials, especially veganism, the realisation that this put him in the same boat as someone like Piers Morgan is enough to turn him into a person that is actually barrable to be around.
“When I heard that Piers Morgan was angry at the same things I was it really caused me to re-evaluate my life. That’s why I’m buying as many of these vegan rolls as I can afford. I plan to eat as many as I can stomach as penance for my former personality.”
So hey maybe we can hang out with Nathan again, that’s a bonus.
Shares in Greggs have also seen a big boost. They hit an all-time high of £17.13, with the chain expecting the January-February boom to have a notable positive impact on the first-half results for 2019.
These impressive figures have left many struggling companies begging for Piers to have a bizarre, petulant tantrum about one of their products live on air. Toys R Us is reportedly in the prototype phases for a line of women’s march dolls in an attempt to attract his ire. Whereas Patisserie Valerie is set to launch their “Spill The Tea” promotion during which every teapot served in the bakery will be decorated with a screenshot of a celeb tweet that is straight up snatching Morgan’s wig. Yas Queen. Drag Him.