President Donald Trump signed an executive order declaring a national emergency to protect US computers from “foreign adversaries.”
He was counseled into doing so by his advisers, who realized that if those foreign adversaries managed to breach the White House IT defenses then all kinds of disturbing images from the President’s personal albums could be shared online. “Obviously, it is absolutely an emergency,” said a spokesman. “I can’t think of a current bigger threat to the well-being of the American people than if those images become publicly available.” When asked if he was referring to nude photos of the President, the spokesman said, “I couldn’t possible comment on the nature of the allegedly extremely graphic, multi-pose, sometimes close-up sometimes panoramic images,” while winking furiously.
The executive order gives the secretary of commerce the power to “prohibit transactions posing an unacceptable risk to the national security.”
It is believed that if US computer defenses are breached and Trump’s photos released to the public, current provisions for mental healthcare in most states would be immediately swamped. Law enforcement officers are also concerned, with one commenting, “It would be anarchy in the streets. I think seeing those photos might actually tip people over into all-out madness, and we just aren’t equipped to handle it.”
The order aims to “protect America from foreign adversaries who are actively and increasingly creating and exploiting vulnerabilities in information and communications technology infrastructure and services.”
“I think is was absolutely correct for the President to sign that order,” said one of his supporters who was wearing a MAGA hat. “I have great respect for that man, but I know if I saw those photos that my brain would ooze out of my ears. Whatever needs to be done to stop those photos from going public, we should do it. Cancel the internet, just turn it off – if he says that’s what we should do, I support it.”