Unilever stockpiles Ben & Jerry’s ready for Brexit. Cookie dough soon to be the only valuable currency left.

Business, UK Politics
Unilever stockpiles Ben & Jerry's ready for Brexit. Because cookie dough soon to be the only valuable currency left

Chief executive of Unilever, Alan Jope, has announced that the company are stockpiling Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and Magnum bars in preparation for Brexit-related supply disruption.

Because come 29th March Britain will become a hot and sunny utopia.

As is legally required for ice cream logistics, the stockpile can only be formed on sundaes. The ice cream is to be stored in Jacob Rees-Mogg’s heart.

Unliever announce new slogan ‘I scream, you scream, we all scream for the end of the world is coming’

Come Brexit day Unilever will be ready to face the four horsemen of the apocalypse – Almond, Mint, White and Classic.

The company explained they were keen to be prepared, whatever the outcome.

Management remember all too well the Cornetto riots of 2007.

Also, after Brexit Cookie Dough is expected to be worth more than dough of the cold, hard cash variety.

They are especially keen to stockpile cinema-sized Ben and Jerry’s, the market value of which has been 10x that of gold for some time.

Not everyone’s happy with the news of Unilever’s Magnum stockpiling.

Remainers, for one, are furious. “Not the Feast we were promised” said literally all of them.

Unilever’s stockpiling is not just restricted to ice cream, with the company also massing additional reserves of deodorant.

Mr Jope explained that the majority of this will be reserved for truck drivers sitting in their cabs for 72 hours at a time as they crawl through hastily erected customs borders.

UKIP have questioned Unilever’s reasons, citing that the additional deodorant forms part of a sinister EU plan to increase illegal immigration to the UK as the scent will distract sniffer dogs from detecting extra passengers in lorries.

The party’s spokesman for International Affairs then added, “we all know the French smell anyway,” before doing a particularly dated French accent last heard in Allo Allo, mock crying and exclaiming “Hor-he-hor, onions, onions. Who will buy my onions?”

Earlier this week, several supermarkets warned that maintaining their supply of fresh food would be impossible under a No Deal exit from the EU. However, the government has responded by stating it has “well established” ways of working with industry to prevent disruption.

Examples given included, “Dig for Victory,” posters, removing fresh produce from northern towns because, “they don’t eat it anyway,” rebranding Spam as “fresh from the tin” and highlighting the fact that powdered egg and instant mash potato can both be made up with, “fresh,” water.

(Additional Material: Chris Ballard, Luke Catterson, Dan Sweryt and Simon Paul Miller)

 

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