UN tells UK to give back Chagos Islands. “Non-binding you say? We’ll pass this time” say Brits – having finally learnt their lesson.

UK Politics
UN tells UK to give back Chagos Islands. It's non-binding - and we've learnt our lesson - It's a no from us say Brits

The UN’s highest court has said the UK should end its control of the Chagos Islands in the Indian Ocean ‘as rapidly as possible.’

The UK Foreign Office said, ‘This is an advisory opinion, not a judgment,’ adding they would look ‘carefully’ at the details of the opinion which is not legally binding.

They went on to say that comments such as ‘Ha ha, we won, get over it,’ by Nigellus Faragez, leader of the Chagos Islands Independent Party were ‘not helpful’. Mr Faragez proudly proclaimed, ‘We got our country back’ and then went immediately to the British Embassy where his application for UK citizenship was declined. He now plans to spend the next two years ranting on Bullshit FM and said he won’t return to politics until he’s found something else to whinge about.

At a press conference in London British Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt said, ‘This is a huge decision and we mustn’t rush into making statements such as ‘Chexit means Chexit’, or ‘respecting the will of the international courts’ until we’ve looked at all factors and weighed up the pros and cons.’ There followed a period of raucous laughter, and three journalists had to leave the room after they literally pissed themselves.

The UK has previously said it is reluctant to give up the British Indian Ocean Territory as the defence facilities there ‘help to protect people here in Britain and around the world from terrorist threats, organised crime and piracy.’

The Office for Pointless Statistics confirmed that to date Chagossioans have committed a total of zero terror attacks worldwide, and that no pirates or organised crime groups operate from the island.

It’s half a century since the UK took control of the Chagos Islands from its then colony, Mauritius and evicted the entire population.

UKIP spokesman Tommy Robinson wasn’t asked for an opinion but gave one anyway. He posted a video in which he proved he’s not a thug by wearing a suit. In it he said ‘It’s the only way. Kick ‘em out. All of ‘em. Anyone who’s a bit different. Just kick ‘em out.’ Political analysts said the video may have given some clues to the content of UKIP’s upcoming foreign policy statement.

Judge Abdulqawi Ahmed Yusuf described the UK’s administration of the Chagos Islands – located more than 2,000 miles off the east coast of Africa – as an unlawful act of continuing character.’

Despite this Theresa May is said to be excited about the situation. She hopes she’ll be able to drag this one out for a good couple of years. And fortunately, she’s racked up so many air miles recently she reckons she’ll have at least seven trips to the islands, where she intends to repeatedly talk bollocks and then try to convince people that she’s made some sort of progress.

Jeremy Corbyn is expected to make a statement on the situation in 2025.

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