The Conservatives are set to win an overall majority in the general election, according to an exit poll for the BBC, ITV and Sky News.
In preparation for 5 more years of a Conservative government, Britain’s homeless have decided to throw themselves into a mile wide bonfire, to save the party the trouble of slowly killing them through austerity and aid cuts.
After hearing of the results of the exit polls, the majority of the nation’s homeless began making there way to the Milton Keyne’s national bowl.They then began to lay a trail of kindling and gasoline and set the entire place ablaze.
In a fitting metaphor for the entire country, the blaze could not be controlled, and spread outside the realms of the stadium. Many homeless were relieved, as they no longer had to ‘queue to get in’.
Sajid Javid said on 5 December that homelessness had halved under the Conservatives since 2008.
This was later to be proven false, as it in fact risen.
Mr Javid believed this statement to be true however, as he considers ‘homeless’ people to be members of the British upper class who only have a 7 bedroom house.
In terms of actual homeless people, it is still unconfirmed as to whether Mr Javid is aware of their existence.
The Labour party responded to the homeless statistics by including various measures in their manifesto. This included a £600m Modern Hostels Fund, additional bed spaces, and a £100m a year scheme for emergency winter shelter.
Which would have all been nice.