UK to save the £3bn needed to fight organised crime by putting criminals in charge of the country instead

Home Affairs, UK Politics
UK to save the £3bn needed to fight organised crime by putting criminals in charge of the country instead

The National Crime Agency reported that it needs an extra £3 billion in order to fight the threat of organized crime over the next three years.

However, in a bold move they have instead decided that the criminals should run the country. “They are extremely well organized after all. It’s right there in the name,” their spokesman said. “Plus let’s be honest – if the British mafia suddenly took over the British Government, would any of us notice the difference?” A News Dump correspondent asked if the criminals might do a better job, to which the spokesman commented, “Well they couldn’t do any worse!”

NCA Director Lynne Owens said the money would be needed due to enhance, “… our capabilities. If we don’t, the whole of UK law enforcement, and therefore the public, will feel the consequences. Some will say we cannot afford to provide more investment…

… so I agree, let’s sack the current government and put into place a criminal one. At least then the law breaking will be out in the open where everyone can see it.”

The NCA’s annual review of of organized crime says that there are 37,000 members spread across the country, members of more than 4,500 groups.

“So that’s more than enough to cover Parliament, Downing Street, the High Court, HMRC… Oh they already run that? Ok so there will be some extra support staff,” said Owens during a briefing with her aides.

Security Minister Ben Wallace initially did not promise any further funding to the NCA.

He also disagrees with the new strategy, saying,

“… in 2018 we set out how we will mobilize the full force of the state to target and disrupt serious and organized crime.”

“Then of course we didn’t, but that is hardly our fault. They are better organized than we are – it’s right there in the name.” Wallace’s reticence may be in part due to if this restaffing goes ahead, he will be out of a job.

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