Almost 200 schools across the UK are to start serving plant-based meals in an attempt tackle the climate crisis.
This is part of measures by schools across the country to tackle their carbon footprint, including sacrificing students to the Earth Goddess Gaia.
Many schools, fed up with the Tory led Department for Education, are taking measures into their own hands to combat climate change, and believe that periodical sacrifices to the primordial deity Gaia, the mother of all life, will be a big step towards this.
The potential ‘chosen’ will be selected through a class voting process, or through a successive tally system for acts of disruptive behaviour. At the end of each term, the chosen student will be offered as a blood sacrifice to Gaia, provided that their parents have signed the relevant permission form.
Students who volunteer will also be accepted, and anybody chosen will have about 10-20 points awarded to their relevant school house.
Milton Nilton, a headteacher for a High School in Leeds has commended the decision to sacrifice pupils to stem the tide of hatred the planet will unleash on the human race.
“The world is literally burning right now,” he said, referring to the fires in Australia, “We need to try every possible measure to fix the damage we’ve caused, and that includes different coloured bins, reusing ink cartridges, and the ceremonial slaughter of students to appease the Earth Mother. If nothing happens, at least we’ve gotten rid of that teenager who keeps shouting ‘labia’ in Biology lessons.”