The second meeting between Donald Trump and the North Korean Supreme Commander ended in failure on Thursday due to disagreements over denuclearisation.
Mr Trump was hoping to discuss nuclear disarmament as well as a number of other key issues with North Korean leader Kim Woodburn, ranging from Big Mac related national emergencies, to how best to mispronounce a country’s name.
Mr Trump had arrived by Presidential aircraft ‘Air Force One’ earlier this week, with Kim instead opting for an armour-plated train through China taking 66 hours in total to arrive in the Vietnamese capital.
There was a sense of optimism as the two leaders greeted each other in the centre of Hanoi on Wednesday, sharing a warm embrace and some verbal foreplay before Michael Cohen slipped Kim $130,000 as they all entered the hotel.
“I just think she’s terrific, absolutely tremendous” said President Trump, “I think her and Armed Forces Minister, Aggie! Aggie! Aggie! Oi! Oi! Oi! will have some great ideas for cleaning out the immigrants back in the US”.
Trump and Kim were expected to concentrate on the topic of nuclear weapons, with many world leaders hoping for North Korean denuclearisation. However, after it was revealed North Korea wanted all US sanctions lifted for only partial denuclearisation, a deal between the nations could not be agreed.
After seven and a half hours discussing the rise and fall of Barry Scott and why Cillit Bang is perfect for cleaning missile heads, the now divorcing couple eventually emerged from Hanoi’s Premier Inn as Lenny Henry waved them goodbye.
Supreme Commander Woodburn had this to say, “I thought the whole experience was ghastly and it was so filthy under those trousers, no wonder there’s mushrooms sprouting down there”.
Tweeting earlier in the week, Trump said he believed with complete denuclearisation “North Korea would rapidly become an economic powerhouse”, but this now seems unlikely.
Although Trump and Kim have decided to end their relationship amicably for the sake of their upcoming first born child, Kim Don-un Jr, it left assassins feeling frustrated.
“I travelled all this way to get a clear shot at Trump” said one assassin, “But then Kim appeared and I couldn’t tell them apart. It was just two oranges with blonde hair shouting indecipherable nonsense at no one in particular”.