President Trump will use emergency powers to build a wall on the US border with Mexico, declaring “walls work”.
“There’s one around my house, and not one Mexican has ever managed to climb in.”
However, an additional deterrent is that you live there, Donald.
He continued “There is one around every prison, and you don’t even see any Mexicans ever trying to climb in. Well, except for El Chapo’s mates making a rescue bid…”
Building a wall was a key campaign pledge, but Democrats described the emergency as a “gross abuse of power”.
Oddly, this is a step up from the usual accusations of “gross abuse of Ivanka”.
Mr Trump made the pledge way back when he was still under the impression Pledge was a furniture polish.
He is due to sign the plan along with a spending bill aimed at preventing a repeat of recent government shutdowns.
The only thing holding the plan back now is the legal issue of if a big ‘X’ counts as a legal signature.
That and his inexplicable tendency to sign his own face, rather than paper put in front of him
He announced the plans after Congress refused to pay for a wall in the bill.
Congress were able to use something Mr Trump doesn’t have – intelligence – to read up on the natural enemy of the wall – the ladder – before ascertaining this would be a lot of money to spend on something that is thus entirely useless.
The declaration gives Mr Trump access to billions of dollars for his project.
His project to pay off all adult actresses across North America, Russia and all the other countries in the world who may or may not have pissed all over him whilst wearing an ‘Ivanka’ mask.
Or perhaps a ‘Jared’ one.
Mr Trump announced to journalists: “We’re going to confront the national security crisis on our southern border.”
Democrats suggested there is already a natural border at the bottom of the US putting immigrants off: Texas.
Trump said “It’s very simple… We want to stop criminals and gangs coming into our country.”
“We’re already full of fraudsters, liars, tax evaders and, perhaps worst of all, lawyers. We don’t need blue-collar criminals bringing the class of crime down.
“Everyone knows that walls work.
“Well, unless they have bulldozers. And I can supply those at a very reasonable cost.”