America has ramped up its trade war with China, imposing tariffs on $200 billion worth of exports after trade talks held in Washington failed to produce a breakthrough.
However US President Donald Trump has stipulated some goods will be exempted from the tax hike – specifically two items. They are wig cleaner and a mysterious medicinal supplement which claims to be a penis enhancer.
Justifying the reasons behind his decision, Mr Trump said: “No-one likes boorish behaviour. That’s why we have to impose the tariffs on China, for their bad attitude towards international trade.
“But there’s no point in penalising the millions of ordinary Americans who simply want to look good in their toupes while achieving sexual fulfilment.
“I believe the men and women of our great nation were born with the inalienable right to wear clean hairpieces as they go about enhancing their penises. So we’ll let these items go untariffed, honestly it doesn’t benefit me at all.”
Mr Trump stressed the importance of mutual respect between the two countries and added he loved sampling Chinese culture.
“Chop suey with ketchup is my personal favourite,” salivated the president. “Obviously I prefer McDonald’s, but super-sized dim sum with a side order of fries makes a nice change every now and again.”
Mr Trump revealed that five years ago he’d been involved in an artistic project with the ambitious aim of creating a Chinese homage to a classic American folk tale.
“I was putting up 50 per cent of the money to film Bernadette Does Beijing. Unfortunately the Hong Kong cops raided the set and arrested everyone who was there. Apparently the actors all got sent to a labour camp, even the donkey,” he explained.
“I was furious at the injustice, I’d lost two million bucks in the deal . But honestly I’m not bitter and the experience has had no influence on my trade decisions at all.”