The good Lord above has today been forced to issue a statement on Trump’s self-proclaimed ‘chosen one’ status.
In a press conference yesterday Donald Trump suggested dramatic constitutional changes before raising his palms, looking heavenward and claiming to be “the chosen one”.
After seeing this, and fighting the initial urge to instantly zap him with 50,000 volts of searing hot lightning, God was lenient and instead decided to issue a statement regarding Donald Trump.
Speaking on behalf of God, heavenly angel Gabe explained: “Our Father, who art in heaven, has been left stunned by Donald Trump’s claim that he is in any way ‘chosen’, and would like to clarify that he is not chosen, but is a very naughty boy.
“God clearly put instructions in the Bible about adultery, and lying, and the difficulty of rich people entering the kingdom of Heaven so he’s not quite sure why this fake-tanned imbecile would think he has any claim to being chosen.
“Donald Trump even lost the popular vote back in 2016, so he wasn’t even ‘chosen’ by the American people.”
The ‘chosen one’ comment was made while Trump addressed the state of the economy, insisting it was in good shape and in no danger of falling into recession. He defended his trade war with China, suggesting he had the backing of a higher power.
Gabe added: “God has asked not to be drawn into this, thanks very much, but if he was going to get involved then he’d most likely be on China’s side. After all, God can’t continue to bless America whilst they have a bloated racist halfwit as President.”