President Donald Trump will declare a national emergency to fund his planned border wall with Mexico, the White House says.
The controversial plans will include a 120ft high statue of the Supreme Leader made of gold, which will serve as both monument and tomb.
Senior Democrats have responded by accusing him of committing a “gross abuse of power” and a “lawless act”.
But Mr Trump, whose skin already appears to have taken on the texture of a mummified corpse, stands by the decision. He points out the need to keep rapists and murderers out of the country, while ensuring a bountiful harvest, things only he can provide.
“Build the Wall” was a key campaign promise for Mr Trump, who has been unable to secure funding for it.
And a giant gold statue has been a dream of Mr Trump since childhood, when he first sketched out the idea with crayons. For a sense of symbolism, he is expected to sign the emergency deceleration with the same crayons.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has already suggested a legal challenge from Democrats should the president make an emergency declaration.
“We’ll do whatever it takes,” says Pelosi, “plague of frogs, plague of biting insects. We were going to turn water into blood, but decided turning water into water from Flint, Michigan would be more terrifying.”
The Democrats vowed that Congress would “defend our constitutional authorities”.
Mr Trump, wearing his ceremonial crown, argued this wasn’t the act of a fascist.
“I am willing to compromise. It doesn’t need to be solid gold. It could just be coated in gold, with a base of rare minerals. Oh! Maybe the eyes could be like diamonds or something. And they’re don’t need to be a thousand people entombed alive with me. I would go as low as 975.”