Last week Rishi Sunak promised to do ‘whatever it takes’ to get Britain through the Coronavirus pandemic and pledged an initial £350b to combating the virus and protecting UK citizens.
But with pretty much the whole leisure industry in lockdown and people being advised to stay at home, the Treasury is bracing itself for a ‘massive increase’ in Child Benefit payments in 2021 which could put even greater pressure on the economy than the virus itself.
With sport cancelled across the globe and shows such as Eastenders either reducing or stopping production, it sees that Brits are finding sex the only thing that brings them any pleasure.
We spoke to Dave, a father of two from Bridgend, who told us the first few days of isolation were ‘a dream.’ He said he’s done ‘a couple of hours work’ but spent most of his time drinking lager and watching Netflix. But with supermarkets running out of ‘literally everything’, and after finding that there’s actually ‘a lot of shit on Netflix’ he and his wife have rediscovered ‘sneaking off for a quickie when you should be working.’
Mr Sunak has urged the PM to allow people back into civilisation as soon as possible so that they can ‘stop contributing to the increasing population and start contributing to improving GDP’.
Boris was unavailable for comment as, according to a Downing Street aide he was busy ‘staying in and not watching TV with his other half – or maybe someone else’s other half, we’re not entirely sure.’