Instagram model and cutting edge influencer John Timms proudly admitted he’d abandoned cleaning his rectum several days ago.
Timms said “Panic buying has clearly highlighted a significant overlap in people who didn’t previously wash their hands and people who didn’t previously wipe their arses.”
“No way to compete with that so I’m dressing appropriately to this new post-hygiene society.”
“Journey times have increased as I now waddle everywhere. But it’s still quicker than ransacking 4 Tesco metros just to find a 6 pack of ringpiece waxer.”
“I was initially worried about the smell, but turns out I live in London; my underwear resembles an explosion in peanut butter warehouse, but so far no-one’s batted an eye.”
Timms added “Honestly, I’m in talks with Dior to patent my new fragrance ‘Turtle’s Head’. It’s for everyone who wants to smell like they’re wearing this year’s look.”