The north of England’s largest rail commuter service has been taken back into public ownership after years of poor performance. The transport secretary claimed “people had lost trust in the rail network”.
After months of smears and confused allegations of socialism against the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, Tory voters across the country felt in no-way idiotic as Boris Johnson struck a deal with China for 5G connectivity and announced Northern being re-nationalised in the same week.
Phone enthusiast and short-term thinker John Timms said “Look, I use Facebook and recently documented my explosive diarrhoea on Instagram, right to the bloody end.”
“Do you think I care about potential violations of privacy from Huawei?”
“Mark Zuckerberg and Chinese president Xi Jinping could personally insert a tracking chip into my colon while I was sleeping if it made my apps go faster.”
“I mean, ideally while I was asleep and sedated but whatever, I do need my apps to go faster.”
Timms added “I didn’t see anything in Corbyn’s manifesto about anal breaches to make instagram faster. Missed an open goal there.”
A spokesman for Number 10 said “Look, I know this looks bad and public ownership might actually make public transport within spitting distance of being bearable but it’s still business as usual.”
“We’ll use an outrageous amount of taxpayer money to upgrade the network and then cheaply sell the franchise off to whatever greasy, low-life conglomerate has slipped the transport minister a backhander.”
In a rare moment of candour, the spokesman’s eyes rolled into their head with him announcing “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must pay tribute to our glorious, fly-ridden lord Beelzebub, he grows thirsty for public subsidy monies.”