The Tory leadership race got off to a fascinating start over the weekend, with shock confessions from Michael Gove and Andrea Leadsom that in the past they’d taken drugs.
The shock being that they both have any form of personality. Michael Gove took cocaine several times 20 years ago, which must have been double powerful, seeing as he has two faces to snort out of.
Andrea Leadsom admitted to smoking cannabis, presumably, as a mother she only did this so she could relate to her children, and Thersea May would never be able smoke cannabis because she has no children to relate to.
This follows Rory Stewart’s confession he smoked opium at a wedding in Iran out of politeness several years ago.
We can reveal that the entire leadership contest will now take place from the Priory rehab centre, with other candidates set to confess their sins. All 12 MPs sitting in a circle, providing media friendly soundbites while also apologising and making amends for their social habits.
Dominic Raab has secretly been injecting steroids straight into his forehead to deal with the stress of parliament. This would explain his temperament, inability to understand what a port is, negotiations of Brexit, his ego and why his head is the size of a beach ball.
There are currently 12 entries for the race.
Frontrunner Boris Johnson, has been using methamphetamine for years, as hair gel. While many have tried to fathom how he styles his hair like he’s ran through a bush and then had sex with the bush, which knowing him….
This explains both the uncopiable style Johnson sports and why his speech bumbles so much, as the meth often drops into his eyes as he cycles.
Lord knows what Ether McVey takes, but it’s said even all night party animals Jeremy Hunt and Matt Hancock want nothing to do with it if it dulls the mind that much.
The leadership contest could take as little as 2 weeks.
An online theory has also sprung up, with the drug stockpiling for the NHS for a hard Brexit in March leaving the country with a surplus. The theory has it that the next Tory conference is going to be an almighty rave up, Paul Oakenfold has allegedly been booked.