Tories to offer free cocaine to every household in Britain

Popular Right Now, UK Politics
Sachet of cocaine sues Michael Gove for breaching Non-Disclosure Agreement

The Labour party rocked the General Election campaign last night by announcing it would provide all households in the UK with internet broadband without charge.

However this morning the Conservatives have quickly struck back by declaring its drawing up plans to give everyone free cocaine.

Michael Gove described the proposal as bold and far reaching in its ambition. Mr Gove stressed he felt sure the scheme would change the face of Britain in the 21st century.

“The ranks of the Conservative party has some of the most successful people in the world, we’re really top rankers. One of the special characteristics so many of them share is a very particular hobby” Mr Gove told an astonished Nick Ferrari on the LBC breakfast time show.

“All the dour colourless Socialist moaners bang on about how the elite have been schooled at Eton or studied for their degree at Oxford or Cambridge as if that’s why they do so well. But the real reason is the stuff we put up our noses”

“Now the Tories are going to share that privilege with everyone throughout this great nation of ours irrespective of creed, class, colour or gender.”

Mr Gove’s surprise announcement was confirmed by Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who told reporters: “When I look around my Cabinet table, I see some of the finest stoners of their generation.

“They are first class blue sky thinkers, and the reason is because they don’t allow their imagination to be hindered by the constraints of reality.

“That’s the kind of attitude that allowed Great Britain to embrace Brexit and I truly believe will serve us well in the future.”

As part of the election pledge, the Conservative high command has begun discussions with East London pharmaceuticals specialist Dodgy Darren on how to supply the entire nation with cocaine.

“I admit it’ll be a lot of work, but if it’s for the good of the nation I feel this is my patriotic duty,” Dodgy commented as he left 10 Downing Street with huge wads of £50 notes in his briefcase.

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