Tories sell off National Elf Service to American Giftcare Supplier

Popular Right Now, UK Politics
Tories sell off National Elf Service to American Giftcare Supplier

The Conservative Party keep repeating their mantra that the National Health Service is safe and will never be sold off.

However, they have already reneged on their promise that Santa Claus is safe and have already sold off his entire workforce to a private American Giftcare Supplier.

Despite promising 50,000 new elves – a staggering 31,000 of which will be new – it is understood contracts were already signed pre-election handing over operation of the nationalised service.

This morning, thousands of elves found themselves out of work.

As part of the deal, they’re no longer allowed to sit on shelves as that will now be done by an accountant to see which shelves are and aren’t required as part of a large cost-benefit exercise due to well-behaved children not requiring one.

The elves now have to get down the job centre where hundreds of nationalists will no doubt complain about them stealing their places in the line.

Santa himself was the only company employee who crossed the picket line.

As CEO, due to starting up the whole enterprise, it is thought he will be alright. As a kickback for kicking his workforce in the teeth, the new American owners have set him up with a tax-efficient bank account in the Cayman Islands and awarded him 15% of the shares in GiftBastard.com

It is expected that he will soon step back so someone with no experience of the giftcare sector can take over and ruin a once-fine institution.

New Head Elf, who prefers the title Chief Operating Officer, Barabus Valentine, said, “We’ve made it clear to customers that they will see no reduction in service. However, it may be necessary to reduce present output and to spread delivery of gifts over a more cost-effective timeline.

“So, other than getting less presents and them delivered in April, customers should not notice any difference in service.

“Our main priority is, of course, as ever, to our shareholders.”

  •   
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.