The DUP has welcomed the government’s “renewed focus” on addressing its objections to the Brexit deal ahead of next week’s third Commons vote.
Especially because Number Ten’s idea of ‘addressing the objections’ of the DUP normally involves giving them a shitload of money and hoping they pipe down a bit and get behind them.
The party has twice voted against the deal over concerns it would see Northern Ireland treated differently from the rest of the UK.
It’s almost as if the plan to give one billion pounds to a party who know they hold all the cards after a disastrous and unnecessary general election could backfire in some way further down the line.
The DUP’s Westminster representative Mr Dodds spent Friday afternoon in meetings with key cabinet figures – including Chancellor Philip Hammond and Environment Secretary Michael Gove – to discuss what might convince his party to support Theresa May’s deal.
However, after Philip Hammond and Michael Gove’s discussions with Mr Dodds turned out to be as successful in garnering support for the May’s deal as a Britain First member taking part in a spelling bee, in bounded Chris Grayling with his cheque book.
Mr Dodds emerged beaming a short while later, having reportedly been offered the entire contents of the Bank Of England, all the tea in China, a pot of gold at the end of a billion rainbows, and a promise that all the gays would be shipped overseas after Brexit.
“What would this country do without me, eh?” said Chris Grayling to reporters.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some more ferries to order.”