‘Tories face extinction’ warns Boris – so he joins Extinction Rebellion and glues his buttocks to door of 10 Downing Street

UK Politics
‘Tories face extinction’ warns Boris – so he joins Extinction Rebellion and glues his buttocks to door of 10 Downing Street

Boris Johnson…

-the man who was too fucking useless to be Foreign Secretary but who now wants to be Prime Minister-

…has told a Tory leadership hustings that their party won’t be forgiven if they don’t deliver Brexit and that they face ‘potential extinction.’

He has therefore appropriated the methods and rhetoric of climate change protestors and glued himself to Number 10 until he’s bloody well made Prime Minister and allowed to implement a jolly sensible no-deal Brexit.

His comments came as the Eurosceptic European Research Group called on leadership contenders to abandon Theresa May’s Brexit deal.

Mrs May discovered that Boris had adhered his arse to her front door when she opened it to get the milk this morning.

“Ah, good morning Prime Minister,” said Boris as he swung inwards, pants around his ankles. “Lovely dressing gown you’ve got there.”

May then had a very uncomfortable moment bending down to pick up the bottles, getting dangerously close to Johnson’s Johnson.

“We’re facing an existential crisis,” explained Boris who was quite clearly having some sort of midlife crisis. “I’m taking non-violent direct action to ensure Brexit gets done!”

The PM simply let out Larry the cat for his morning stroll and wordlessly closed the door.

Johnson is one of the favourites to win the Tory leadership contest.

Boris looked down. “Hello there little chap,” he said, addressing the cat and not – as one might have thought at a glance – his penis. “Do you think I’ll make a good Prime Minister?”

Larry immediately emptied his bladder all over Johnson’s legs and then trotted away.

Boris hung there, ruthlessly exposed in the cold light of morning, a half naked lunatic reeking of cat piss.

His bid for the premiership had begun in earnest.

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