Tories announce ‘spending spree’ budget to help areas ‘left behind’. By the Conservatives.

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The date for the first post-Brexit budget has been set as 11th March.

Tory party Chancellor Sajid Javid has promised it will be a ‘spending spree’ budget and has promised ‘billions of pounds’ for those areas left behind by the Conservative government.

Mr Javid said, ‘There will be an infrastructure revolution in our great country.’

Adding, ‘We’ll be investing in all areas, not just Westminster but London, Greater London and as far north as places such as Watford. This is a real Tory commitment to change and improve the lives of millions, which you’d never have got off those bastard Conservatives. ’

He said the Conservative party had ‘neglected the north for too long’ and that ‘only the Tory party can be trusted to overturn the absolute bellendry that was Conservative policy on investment over the past 9 years.’

‘There will be up to an extra £100bn of investment in infrastructure over the next few years.’ Mr Javid said.

And he promised at least £13.27 will be divvied up between ‘Wales, up north and the outskirts of the M25. Adding ‘The Scots and the lefty morons they elected can fuck right off.’

The chancellor said the Treasury will ‘prioritise the environment’.

And made a commitment that ‘every lie this government prints over the next five years will be printed on recycled paper made from cardboard stolen from above a sleeping homeless man; because let’s face it, they’re the real enemy.’

He also reiterated a plan to ‘increase borrowing’.

But he was keen to point out that this was a ‘different kind of borrowing’ from that promised by the Labour party. Mr Javid said, ‘Jeremy Corbyn’s spending plans were ridiculous. He wanted to simply increase borrowing to invest in infrastructure. On the contrary, I’m promising infrastructure investment and increasing borrowing to achieve that.’

The Tory party took some traditional Labour voting seats in the north of the country in last months’ general election.

And Mr Javid said this budget is ‘an attempt to give something back to those communities early’ as he expects that ‘in five years’ time when we’ve repeatedly screwed them over, they’ re going to hate us again anyway.’

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