Ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair has advised Theresa May to go further afield than the “very unreasonable people in her party and coalition” allowing MPs from all parties to “construct a process”.
“It’s not about me” explained Tony in an interview, as he selflessly offered to heal the wound that is Brexit.
“I could be the frictionless Irish border, for example. The good people of Ireland and the UK know I can deliver. Look at the Good Friday Agreement, it wasn’t named the Bad Friday Agreement, was it? I can be any kind of border that’s needed: hard, soft, frictionless, transparent, hard again.”
Mr Blair, who is campaigning to have a second coming of a referendum, believes that there is a more than a 50% chance of one happening, but could be avoided with his border sacrifice.
“I’ll man the border personally. I’m perfect for the job, I’m terrific at spotting weapons, even from thousands of miles away. If you think you don’t have a weapon but my information possibly suggests you have, I will act upon it.”
While Mrs May seeks to find a solution to the never-ending Irish border backstop provision that is driving a wedge through government, cracks are opening up to all kinds of possibilities.
“I’ll wear a uniform and it could have cross-border sponsorship.” added Mr Blair, “Guinness on the front and M&S on the back. Who’s doing the M&S Christmas ad? Elton’s done John Lewis. I was in a rock band, y’know. Who’s fronting Queen these days?”