Theresa May is due to leave Number 10 next week.
However, due to a lack of planning, she’s requested an extension to the 31st October.
Number 10 have not disclosed how much a Therexit* postponement would cost but the news has come as a big relief to the removal company who, despite having taken a deposit, don’t have any removal vans available for the move this coming week (on account of the fact that the Seabourne Removal Company don’t actually have any removal vans).
*Note: Therexit is a term used to refer to the departure of Theresa May from Downing Street and not to be confused with Terexit which refers to ‘Terexit Syndrome’, a recently discovered neurological disorder characterised by repeated and involuntary body movements (tics) and uncontrollable vocal sounds, which frequently include socially inappropriate words, whenever Theresa May and/or Brexit is mentioned.
Since confirming she would stand down two months ago, May’s team has rushed out announcements on a wide range of policy areas.
The chancellor, Phillip Hammond, has issued the following corrections and clarifications to the policies announced by Theresa May’s team…
- Mental Health Benefits
This will be limited to Theresa May who’s mental health is expected to improve once she’s stepped down from being PM.
- Cutting Carbon Emissions to net zero by 2050
We will reach zero carbon emissions not by 2050 but in sometime in the next 2,050 years.
- Opposition to the construction of tiny homes
We’ll use caravans which are much quieter to build and put in place.
- A 2 billion pound public sector pay rise
Public Sector employees are to be allocated 2 billion nectar points to be shared amongst them (2 billion nectar points are estimated to have an approximate value of somewhere around fifty pence).
Boris Johnson has refused to say whether or not he will move girlfriend Carrie Symonds into No. 10 with him next week.
Apparently he has yet to decide who will take up this position and has managed to narrow it down to a short-list of potential candidates which include Rachel Weisz, Sienna Miller, Kate Beckonsale, Kelly Brook, Cheryl Cole, Jessica Rabbit, Gemma Atkinson, Michelle Keegan, Keira Knightly, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Helen Flanagan and any girl who’s appeared on page three of the Daily Star in the last twelve months.