Theresa May’s Sofa Speech: The Honest Version

UK Politics
Theresa May's Sofa Speech - The Honest Version

“I’ve just come from chairing seven hours of Cabinet meetings focused on finding a route out of the current impasse, one that will deliver the Brexit the British people voted for and allow us to move on and begin bringing our divided country back together.”

‘“The cabinet are still locked in the cabinet room and I intend to keep them there till they’ve agreed in writing to support my withdrawal agreement.”

“I know there are some who are so fed up with delay and endless arguments that they would like to leave with no deal next week, I’ve always been clear that we could make a success of no deal in the long-term.”

“My husband, Philip, quoted to me an old saying. ‘If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then maybe you don’t fully appreciate the situation’… I’ve no idea why he said that.”

“But leaving with a deal is the best solution. So we will need a further extension of Article 50, one that is as short as possible and which ends when we pass a deal. And we need to be clear what such an extension is for, to ensure we leave in a timely and orderly way.”

“If anyone watching this video can think of how we can do this, please leave a comment at the bottom of this page.”

“This debate, this division, cannot drag on much longer. It is putting members of Parliament and everyone else under immense pressure and it is doing damage to our politics. Despite the best efforts of MPs, the process that the House of Commons has tried to lead has not come up with an answer.”

“By the way, for those of you who recall a speech from a couple of weeks ago where I appeared to blame my fellow MPs for the mess we are currently in, that wasn’t me. It was Tracey Ullman.”

“So today I’m taking action to break the log jam.”

“By drinking a glass of Laxido. Also…”

“I’m offering to sit down with the Leader of the Opposition and to try to agree a plan that we would both stick to, to ensure that we leave the European Union and that we do so with a deal.”

“When I told Philip he said, ‘Better late than never, my dear.’ I’ve no idea why he said that either!”

“Any plan would have to agree the current Withdrawal Agreement.”

At this point of the speech, Theresa May united the whole country as they sighed and shook their heads in disbelief.

“It has already been negotiated with the 27 other members and the EU has repeatedly said that it cannot and will not be reopened. What we need to focus on is our future relationship with the EU.”

“I’m thinking of a sadomasochistic one with us with us crying, ‘But I’ve forgotten the safe word!’”

“The ideal outcome of this process would be to agree an approach on a future relationship that delivers on the result of the referendum, that both the Leader of the Opposition and I could put to the House for approval and which I could then take to next week’s European Council…”

“…riding naked on the back of a pink unicorn.”

“However, if we cannot agree on the single unified approach then we would instead agree a number of options for the future relationship that we could put to the House in a series of votes to determine which course to pursue.”

“A terrific idea that Sir Oliver Letwin stole from me.”

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