Theresa May’s extension speech in full(ish)

UK Politics

Theresa May has said she will ask the EU for an extension to the Brexit deadline to “break the logjam” in Parliament. She also said she wants to meet Jeremy Corbyn to agree a plan on the future relationship with the EU.

Here is her statement in full.

‘I’ve just come from chairing seven hours of Cabinet meetings focused on finding a route out of the current impasse, one that will deliver the Brexit the British people voted for.

But sadly no one has a clue what that is. Least of all the British people.

I know there are some who are so fed up with delay and endless arguments that they would like to leave with no deal next week.

And to those people I say, “Fine. Off you fuck.” And I’ll even pay their air fare if it’ll finally bring an end to all this nonsense. I never wanted to leave in the first place. I just thought that siding with the Daily Mail would make sure I got good press. Well they can shove their reporting up their arses. Although I am kind of committed now, so leave we must.

But leaving with a deal is the best solution. So, we will need a further extension.

Which will be done by my brother-in-law, Dave. He does great extensions, and it’s all cash in hand so he’s really cheap. But if you want one, I’d get in quick while he can still employ those Lithuanians.

This debate, this division, cannot drag on much longer.

I haven’t seen an episode of Jeremy Kyle in 2 years – and I normally love watching all the little salt of the earth poor people playing out their dramas. I just sometimes wish they’d manage to reach some sort of agreement instead of just bickering even when people have lost interest in the argument.

Despite the best efforts of MPs, the process that the House of Commons has tried to lead has not come up with an answer.

Well it has. But it was “No”. Repeatedly. And to everything.

So today I’m offering to sit down with the Leader of the Opposition to try to agree a plan that we would both stick to. Any plan would have to agree the current withdrawal agreement.

Because I came up with it and I’m not having that little twerp come out of this looking better than me. It’s bad enough I have to lower myself to this PR stunt in the first place.

However, if we cannot agree on the single unified approach, we would agree a number of options for the future relationship that we could put to the House in a series of votes to determine which course to pursue…’

The Prime Minister will complete her speech when the nation has stopped laughing at the absurdity of that last statement .

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