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- ‘I’m not a very hands-on father’, reveals Russell Brand. In other breaking news – the Pope’s Catholic, and Hitler was apparently ‘a bit of a shit’.
- 7 excuses the PM will be giving MPs when they ask why she’s made zero progress on Brexit this weekend…
- Theresa May promises MPs vote to delay Brexit. Pencils it in for 30th March.
- Theresa May is to meet the 1922 executive to offer ‘clear understanding’ of the rough outline of the draft timetable of her eventual departure from number 10, possibly?
- Brexit deal suffers massive rejection. Spent night watching films and eating ice cream straight from tub.
- Brexit will force Porsche to increase prices by 10%. Chris Grayling gives contract to design UK-made replacement to this year’s Apprentice candidates.