SPOILER ALERT: The following article contains spoilers for Brexit: Endgame. Do not read any further if you are unaware that the Conservative Party are a massive bunch of bastards.
Sir Graham Brady, the chair of the Tory backbench 1922 Committee has said Theresa May should set a date next week for her departure.
Theresa May hit back by revealing she can easily destroy half the Conservative Party as she has scoured the universe and collected all the Infinity Stones.
Non-Tory MPs have criticised May, saying ‘What? Only HALF?!’
Brady suggested a scheduled meeting with the prime minister and the group’s leaders next week is likely to output her departure timetable.
However, Mrs May went into a complicated backstory about how she had to sacrifice Gavin Williamson in order to get the Soul Stone.
Which was a surprise, as he didn’t actually have a soul.
May rejected the call, reiterating her belief that it was not her fault that Brexit had ground to a standstill.
Then the PM continued for another six hours, though it was technically split into two 3-hour manageable lumps, with a long gap to increase anticipation.
May indicated earlier this year that she would resign once her Brexit deal with Brussels has been passed by MPs.
Upwards of seventy pro-Brexit MPs joined Brady’s gang of misfits and vigilantes, each of which brought their own superpower from their individual stories.
Pomposity, arrogance, xenophobia, self-aggrandisement, out-and-out racism, egomania and even a hatred of the poor after being bitten by a homeless man were just some of the powers on display, as they combined in attempt to bring down the behemoth that May has become.
Downing Street said May would not make any further concessions beyond her original resignation offer to the 1922 Committee.
Bar total destruction of half of all Brexiteers, obviously.
So, things are looking up!
Words: Dan Sweryt
Editing: Adam Hunt
Various other credits