Theresa May seeks cross-party Brexit consensus. “You should have done this two years ago!” screams Britain.

UK Politics
Theresa May seeks cross-party Brexit consensus. “You should have done this two years ago!” screams Britain

Theresa May is meeting with MPs from all sides in a bid to find a way forward for Brexit.

What a great idea! After all, it’s only the most important issue facing the UK since World War Two.

Imagine if she’d done this two years ago – perhaps her deal wouldn’t have been a universally hated and unworkable pile of bollocks.

“It will not be an easy task,” said Mrs May. “But MPs know they have a duty to act in the national interest, reach a consensus and get this done.”

Oh, actually, perhaps this is bad news for anyone hoping for Brexit to be resolved before the end of time.

However, it’s pretty great news for the sort of sadists who enjoy tying cats’ tails together, hanging them over a washing line and filming the results.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has refused to join talks unless the threat of a no-deal exit is ruled out.

Hang on, isn’t that just the sort of thing he should be talking to the Prime Minister about?

Instead, Corbyn has chosen to lock himself in the bathroom, hoping that Theresa May starts knocking on the door saying, “Come downstairs Jeremy, I’ve made you your favourite – bland, colourless chicken with the spine removed.”

The prime minister is expected to hold meetings with the Tory Brexiteers who rejected her withdrawal deal earlier this week.

Ooh, that’s a bit awkward. It’s kinda like splitting up with someone but continuing to live with them and then having to agree what colour to paint the living room.

And then arguing about who’s actually got to do the painting.

Mrs May must present a new plan for EU withdrawal to Parliament by 21 January.

“Hang on, isn’t that like, Monday?!” asked the Prime Minister. “That’s impossible! I’ve never made an essay deadline with such short notice – the library isn’t even open on Sunday!

“There’s only one thing for it – I’ll secretly pay the DUP to write it for me. No one will ever know.”

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