Following the surprise nomination of ex-cricketer and domestic violence connoisseur, Geoffrey Boycott, for a knighthood…
former PM, Theresa May, has finally recognised multiple murderer Peter Sutcliffe’s contribution to the haulage industry.
Peter Sutcliffe was known more commonly as the Yorkshire Ripper
And his late 1970’s lorry driving spree, coupled with a tireless work ethic, earned him a reputation as a man who could be relied upon to deliver – on time and in any weather – a fact not lost on Mrs May and the many critics of her well-publicised Brexit failure.
The former truck driver, who murdered twelve women using a blunt instrument, is one of the few British serial killers of the modern era to hold a fully clean HGV licence.
The move paves the way for the sadistic killer’s rehabilitation into mainstream society, meaning he could soon be eligible for a Driving Theory test and a set of new wheels.
Mrs May said:
“During his long years of service Peter never missed a delivery, except of course when he was being detained and questioned by West Yorkshire Police.”
”Just as Peter listened to the voices in his head instructing him to kill time and time again, I wish I had paid heed to the calls urging me to stand down earlier.”
May invited critics to look beyond Sutcliffe’s chequered past and focus on his many positive attributes, such as his unblemished driving record and the fact that he always used to thank oncoming motorists at bottlenecks by raising his right hand.
But survivors of domestic abuse rounded on the former Prime Minister, attacking her blatantly hypocritical approach.
Spokesperson, Mary Letts, said,“Peter Sutcliffe May have been a polite road user, but his record of evil doing speaks for itself and this award sends out completely the wrong message.”
”I shouldn’t need to hammer the point home.”
Meanwhile the Ripper himself is said to be delighted, informing reporters that God had told him to accept the award on behalf of beleaguered lorry drivers everywhere. Mrs May, who was recently pictured in a “This is what a feminist looks like” t-shirt, also plans to honour Category A nonce, Ian Huntley, with a CBE for the diligent work he put in as a school caretaker before his eventual incarceration for the tragic murder of two schoolgirls.