Theresa ‘I scrape the mould off the jam’ May’s top tips for healthy post-Brexit eating

Popular Right Now, UK Politics
Theresa May says she ‘scrapes the mould off jam’. Here are the PM’s top tips for healthy eating, post-Brexit

Theresa May has reportedly told cabinet ministers that rather than throw away old jam, she scrapes the mould off the top and eats the ‘perfectly edible’ jam underneath.

It’s unclear whether the cabinet deemed this to be an appropriate response to the original question: “Mrs May – what the fuck are we going to do about Brexit?”

Mrs May is a keen chef, who reportedly owns around 150 recipe books.

To be fair, that’s just one for each of her kitchens.

Many people worry that a no-deal Brexit could result in food shortages.

But Chef May is not among them. Like many Conservative MPs, she is well accustomed to frugal living. Here are her other suggestions for healthy eating in no-deal Britain:  

Rustle up some ‘beans on can’

We’re unlikely to run out of tinned food, but bread (a crucial component of toast) could be scarce.  The PM suggests eating beans straight out of the can. Then eating the can.

“We know iron is an important part of the diet. Aluminium is even better!”

Read the paper for nutrition tips

Then eat it. “Paper is made from trees. And a tree is just a giant broccoli, isn’t it?”

Mrs. May suggests that anyone who can’t stomach the Daily Mail should head down to Staples and stock up on Inksmart Silk Finish A4. “If you can stretch the budget to some Post-It notes, I recommend a hearty office supply soup!”

Get your five-a-day

We can’t live off the spoils of Jezzer’s allotment forever. But petrol stations across the country offer an easy way to get your five-a-day: Rowntrees Fruit Pastilles.

“You can make a nutritious fruit pastille salad. Aim to include all the colours. Except the green ones, obviously.  Fuck that.”

Dog biscuits

Lots of people are likely to overlook this plentiful and nutritious foodstuff, but Mrs. May points out that once you’ve eaten your dog on around April 3rd, there’ll be plenty of Boneo to go around.

Fried eggs

Sure, we won’t have any chickens left. But there are countless eggs going to waste each month. Think about it.

“What? Don’t look at me like that,” said the PM. “Down at the Conservative Club, we’ve been enjoying human egg souffle for years!”

The PM’s comments were reportedly made during a Commons discussion on food waste.

Following the success of her presentation, Wednesday afternoons have henceforth been earmarked for, ‘‘Prime Minister’s Kitchen Time’.

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