Duke of Edinburgh, 98, was admitted on Friday for the treatment of a pre-existing condition. He is expected to spend the run-up to Christmas in the care of medical staff after being admitted to the King Edward VII’s hospital in central London.
A spokesman for the medical team that will be taking care of the Duke, Dr C McColon, said, “It’s his old problem, another flare up of xenophobia. This often happens to sufferers, particularly around the Christmas period, and the Duke is no exception. It’s a reaction to the concept of ‘peace and goodwill to all mankind.’ Xenophobes like the Duke object to mankind including, as he would put it, ‘Johnny Foreigners.’”
McColon went on to add, “It’s the TV adverts that starts off this reaction, particularly the one for DFS furniture January sales. They usually begin in mid December. There is an attempt by the advertising company to make them politically correct and racially all-inclusive. This means every advert has at least one Afro-Caribbean, Chinese, Asian, Red Indian, Pigmy, and Inuit as well as a young white Caucasian couple of indeterminate gender with a kid bouncing on the settee. It drives xenophobes round the pipe.”
Speaking for the NHS, Matt (ice creams… lollipops) Hancock said, “It’s going to be tough on the NHS this winter, I know, but we are throwing money at the xenophobe problem. We hope to come out the other side of the holiday period with all of them being treated in hospital casualty units within four hours of arrival. We have specialist teams of all white, male, middle aged, middle class medics on stand-by in case there’s a spate of New Year’s sales adverts with an unacceptably unrealistic blend of ethnics in them.”
A spokeswoman for the royal household commented, “Prince Philip is suffering from an attack of a pre-existing dislike of foreigners. His symptoms (waving his arms about, making highly racist comments and swearing a lot at the telly) are being brought under control. We expect him to be back to normal soon assuming we can prevent Prince Andrew showing his bloody face at the hospital, or the Duke receiving a ‘get well soon’ card from Channel 4.”