A state of emergency has been declared in the remote Russian archipelago of Novaya Zemlya after dozens of polar bears invaded human settlements, according to reports.
Roads have been closed, schools canceled and the Night’s Watch, a military organization dedicated to protecting the lands of men from threats of the North, has been called in.
But critics have suggested that their response was slowed by constant in-fighting, and several hours spend shouting “For The Watch!”
The deputy head of Novaya Zemlya, which has a population slightly under 2,500 people as of 2010, said the polar bears had begun gathering over a month ago.
“We’re ready for these beasts,” says gruff, one-eyed spokesperson Marthew Coldwater. (That’s Marthew with an ‘R’) “We’ve been preparing for generations while southerners considered the ‘polar bear’ fairy tales…”
He then stared off into the distance for a while, as the wind tussled his hair to emphasise his brooding nature.
The situation has been exasperated by recent legislation banning the shooting of polar bears.
But the legislation does not prevent slaying the bears with swords made of Dragonglass, pouring burning oil over them, or releasing a giant scythe from the side of the wall.
“It’s going to be a totally awesome battle,” says Coldwater, mid-brood.
The head of the local administration, Zhigansha Musin, said the state of emergency would be upheld until the safety of the local population could be established.
But Night’s Watch Commander Jon Snow stresses the importance of making peace with the bears, unifying in order to face “the real threat”.
He refused to be more specific, instead choosing to stare off into the distance, while the wind tussles his hair, emphasising his brooding nature, but also making him look approachable and kinda sexy.
Meanwhile, others are complaining that the bear invasion deviates in small ways from the books.