Teresa May will fly back to Dublin for talks with Leo Varadkar as she tries to break the deadlock over the backstop.
And if you’re thinking ‘Hasn’t she already done that?’ You’re right. So far this year the PM has racked up more airmiles than Easyjet. But have you also noticed how different Teresa May, PM is from Teresa May, MP?
The awkward walk? Repetitive phrases? The mechanical laugh? Well, now we can exclusively reveal that Teresa May, PM is in fact Britain’s first foray into AI.
And she’s meeting with Varadkar in an attempt to pitch herself as the proposed solution to the backstop. Because everyone knows she’ll be looking for a new job sooner or later…
It’s common knowledge that China and the US are in an AI arms race, with each striving to develop and commercialize AI technologies before the other.
And it’s now come to light that following David Cameron’s resignation some bright spark at GCHQ decided a robot PM, armed with AI, would use algorithms to comprehend Brexit and provide logical solutions to each problem.
AI has been used by mortgage lenders, insurance companies, and transportation companies to improve efficiency.
So, the UK government thought they’d give it a go. But thanks to austerity and a lack of investment they were way behind the game. Initially they could only feed one phrase into what was nicknamed ‘TMPM’. Which is why ‘Brexit means Brexit’ was the answer to every question TMPM was asked in its first few weeks.
Months later, after their research budget had been spent on pizza, cocaine and prostitutes, civil servants input a second phrase. We spoke to Dave, a barista at Starbucks in Bridgend, who served what he thought was Teresa May in 2017. ‘It was really weird.’ He told us. ‘She wanted a Brexit means Brexit with no sugar, and gave her name as Strong and Stable.
Subsequent upgrades added ‘the will of the British people’, and some rudimentary dance moves. Officials became concerned about TMPM when it was programmed to say, ‘There will not be a snap election.’ Initial tests were fine but after TMPM was released into the public domain it malfunctioned and nearly brought down the Conservatives.
In April last year the government announced £1b of funding for AI.
Following the revelation about TMPM officials moved quickly to assure the public that Jacob Rees-Mogg really is an actual person. One senior civil servant said, ‘I’ll grant you he’s artificial, but intelligent?’