The UK Government is aiming to carry out 100,000 coronavirus tests a day in England by the end of April
Health Secretary Matt Hancock stated that although challenging, by improving the supply chain and finding new sources of reagent chemicals, this target would be entirely possible by lying.
It comes as The Government was criticised for not increasing the number of tests more quickly.
“If there is one thing this new Conservative administration has proven time and time again, is that our ability to lie is quite outstanding”, the Secretary of State elated, “We’ve lied to everybody, teachers, doctors, nurses, the BBC and even The Queen. It’s quite impressive and a skill that I’m sure will come to the fore during this National Crisis”
The new target includes swab tests, which are already in use, and blood tests, which are yet to be launched.
“We aim to sustain the current level of 10,000 tests per day with a few ‘white lies’, ramping up to 25,000 tests per day with some ‘tall tales’ by mid-April. By the end of April, I’m fully confident in reaching the 100,000 tests per day target, on time, on budget, with the deployment of half a dozen gold-plated ‘Nightingale Porkies'”, Mr Hancock described
Mr Hancock said 100,000 tests “is the goal and I’m determined we’ll get there”.
“Especially as the cabinet have fully analysed the approach to lying during all our COBRA meetings. Grant Schapps rejected both the ‘spinning yarn’ and ‘being economical with the truth’ approach and we are now fully confident that we have a bulletproof method of fabricating the facts”, stated everyone’s favourite Health Secretary who had both his fingers crossed, “If there is something we’ve learned from the Chinese during this tragic time it’s how to come up with a beautifully constructed tale of National delusion to place false hope in the heart of the populous”
He [Matt Hancock] added that the government was working with nine companies who have offered the blood tests
“And we are diverting all those companies that make lie detectors divert their energies into making ventilators”, he added