Priti Patel, the home secretary, has said the Conservatives would reduce immigration as part of a new points-based system after Brexit.
Number 10 insider John Timms claimed that to deter immigration they’d worn their heart on their sleeve by electing Boris Johnson “We want moving to the UK to make as much sense as investing in a balloon animal stall managed by Edward Scissorhands.”
“In this scenario, it really helps to imagine Edward Scissorhands as a lying, cuntish, blonde man-child fop” Timms added.
Timms was quick to address concerns that there was a nationwide skills and talent drain being currently plugged by immigration stating “Now you might be thinking ‘immigrants built my house, treated my son in intensive care at Alderhey hospital, propped up the local economy whilst studying here.’ and you’d be right.”
“However, what if I showed you a totally unverified and unsourced Daily Mail opinion piece that suggested each and every one of those immigrants voted to ban Christmas decorations in the office?”
“What then?” He added.
Touting the Conservatives’ complete overhaul of the welfare state, Timms continued “Time was, someone could lose a job through no fault of their own and still count on a support system to feed their family until they got back in their feet.”
“We’ve managed to flip that equation so even some people who work 2 jobs are now dependant on food banks.”
“Like eating, Johnny Foreigner? Perhaps the UK isn’t for you.”
Although stopping short of declaring an out-and-out manhunt for any non-uk born residents, Timms claimed ominously “Rest assured, we will not rest until one in five people you meet is called Dave.”
“Yes, Dave is white.”