Police have evacuated the House of Commons office of Liberal Democrat leader Jo Swinson after she was sent a parcel containing a suspicious powder. Specialist officers attended the scene and cordoned off the immediate area, although the building was not evacuated.
A spokesman for the Westminster police, Bobby Dazzler, said, “Swinson received a parcel that on opening contained an unmarked package. Inside this was a white powder. The poor woman was very frightened, and was crying her eyes out, so we took her down to the canteen and bought her a skinny latte on expenses. Meanwhile, the mystery substance has been sent to our laboratory for analysis.”
When pressed for what he thought the substance might be, Dazzler said, “The lads back at the station are running a sweepstake on it. I picked ‘dandruff from Nicolas Soames’ bonce,’ so I don’t think I’m in the race. The front runner is the lad who polishes the truncheons. He’s picked ‘a collection of skin flakes from Margaret Hodge’s feet’ so I think he’ll pocket the winnings.”
However, not long after Jo Swinson’s office was evacuated, Michael Gove, looking slightly ashen faced and trembling, turned up at her office door and asked, “Was there a parcel for me delivered here by mistake?”
A spokesman for the laboratory where the mysterious substance was sent admitted he was baffled.
“I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” said Dr. Toot, “It’s a white powder in a clear plastic bag without any kind of writing on the outside. I’ve been in this game for thirty years and it’s got me scratching my head. What on earth could it be?”
It was noted that Dr. Toot had flecks of white powder beneath his nostrils and a faraway look in his eyes.