According to a survey of around 34,000 subjects British people are having less sex.
The results of the study were published in the British Medical Journal. They suggest among other things, that less than half of men and women ages 16-44 have sex at least once a week. Additionally they indicate that nearly one third of men and women haven’t busted a nut in the past month.
Which is just unacceptable. If British people can’t exercise their god given right to get railed every night then the terrorists may as well win.
To try to get to the bottom of this travesty we’re going to the source. We’re going to talk to couples who haven’t had a ride in a while to find out why. Hopefully, their insights will help you out there get back on the horse. Or under it if you’re kind of tired.
The study did find that single people under 25 are somewhat less likely to be sexually active, but the biggest decline has been amongst older long term couples. In essence, it’s the over-25’s who are married or cohabiting that have cut red meat out of their diet. They’ve gone kosher, they’re veggie friendly. They’re not porking is what I’m getting at.
Sarah and Matt have been living together for seven years. And judging by how irritable they are, they’re one of the over-25 couples we’re talking about.
It’s that Carl Benjamin
Sorry what? The UKIP guy?
Yes exactly. Sarah and I were total fiends before he came onto the scene. But the first time I saw a news report about the things he says I became violently physically ill. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I just about pulled through but now I’m always nauseous and feel dirty. I think knowing he’s out there makes me aware that deep down mankind is evil and repulsive, so the idea of giving my girlfriend a good seeing to just feels like lying to myself.
Is that the case for you too Sarah?
Sort of, for me it was more just seeing his face. He’s so sweaty. Why is he so sweaty?
Carl Benjamin recently became a European candidate for the UKIP. When it was first announced journalists started asking him about the tweet posted in 2016 in which he told MP Jess Phillips, “I wouldn’t even rape you.” Carl refused to apologise for the tweet and recently doubled down on it in a video saying that he might rape Jess Phillips if there was enough pressure. Also back when he was just a youtuber who called himself Sargon of Akkad, he once posted a video where he yells racial slurs at a child with down syndrome because she said that calling her the r word was offensive.
Angela and Henry also attributed their sad sexless life to the unfortunate existence of Carl, but for a slightly different reason.
For years all we wanted was to have a child. But being exposed to Mr Benjamin made us realise that we could end up making something that’s really shit. The idea of being a parent to something like that wasn’t worth the risk of ever bringing life into the world. All the protection and birth control in the world wouldn’t make us feel safe enough to ever bump uglies again.
The decrease in sex seems to have had slightly less of an impact on younger people.
Which is apparently because they grew up with YouTube, so they already knew about Carl/Sargon. They were there during the two hour monologues with the same static visual throughout.
Said one under-25 who can still muster up the courage to get dicked in the post-Carl dryspell
The rest of you merely adopted the dark. But we were born in it, moulded by it. We didn’t see Carl on TV until we were already men and by then it was nothing to us but better audio quality.