Sports Direct to close stores due to the spread of negative publicity

Business, Popular Right Now, UK Politics
Mike Ashley- Sports Direct's House of Fraser Purchase was a mistake, and I'm an enormous mug

Sports Direct has performed a U-turn on keeping its shops open during the coronavirus lockdown.

In an address to the nation Mike Ashley said he is ‘acting swiftly’ to prevent the spread of negative publicity.

The government has ordered all UK shops selling non-essential goods to close.

And Mr Ashley said that ‘after much soul searching’ he has taken the ‘brave decision’ to say that under the circumstances cheap shin pads, out of date football shirts and massive mugs bearing the insignia of an empire built on bullying, tat and desperation, ‘must be declared non-essential.’

He said ‘no respectable company director wants to do this’ adding ‘if there’s even the slightest chance that people will be out panic buying then there is the slimmest possibility that they’ll want tacky unofficial memorabilia of their favourite football team or a pack of Donnay sport socks at a knockdown price.’

The retailer had argued that it provided an essential service and bosses said the sports equipment it sells can be used to exercise at home at a time when gyms have been closed.

In response Michael Gove said, ‘Oh do fuck off!’

The Minister for the Duchy of Something or Other With No Real Purpose, argued that ‘no self-respecting sports person has ever bought from Sports Direct’, a point which even a lying scumbag like Mike Ashley couldn’t argue with.

Sports Direct’s initial plan to stay open drew widespread backlash on social media.

And Ashley said in these ‘unprecedented times’ of social media users being in agreement with Michael Gove, he was left with no choice but to admit defeat and close stores.

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