Boris Johnson has announced the coronavirus epidemic is now so serious he will only visit three of his mistresses each week.
The Prime Minister said he’d decided to make this super-heroic sacrifice for the good of the nation.
Everyone throughout the UK has been told to restrict the numbers of people they meet and keep a safe distance away from each other in a bid to combat the threat posed by coronavirus.
And Mr Johnson says he is leading by example, courageously limiting the visits he makes across London and the Home Counties to liaise with his long-list of lady-loves.
“Obviously if I catch coronavirus and can’t lead our government the country will descend into utter chaos. With that in mind I have decided to limit my mistress meet-ups,” the Prime Minister explained.
“Monday evenings I’ll mostly be with Pimlico Patsy, Wednesdays will see me with Florence from Fulham, while Friday nights is going to be good old technology and pole dancing lessons with Whiplash Wendy in our grace-and-favour Chelsea love nest.”
Mr Johnson pledged that during the rest of the week his brilliant mind would be solely focused on guiding the country through the dark days of the epidemic.
“Well mostly focused on that,” he went on to clarify. “If I spot a rather attractive young lady walking past the window then my brilliant mind might be distracted for a brief period of time. But it’ll soon be back to normal service.”
Mr Johnson has emphasised that everyone across the country is in exactly the same position and by all working together we can come through the crisis.
“As I said to my fiancée yesterday, the faith and trust bestowed in me by the electorate means everything. I promise I won’t let anyone down.
“Naturally I have my own specially-secured supply of toilet rolls, food and drink. But apart from that we’re all in the same boat.”