Slow transfer deadline day caps quiet window, after VAR shows most players are actually completely useless.


A quiet transfer deadline day capped off a relatively low-spending January transfer window for Premier League clubs.

The drop is thought to be due to clubs now using VAR technology and finding out that most players are – in actuality – completely and utterly useless.

Deadline-day and January spending were less than 50% of last year’s totals.

As over the last few years, Manchester City have already bought anyone worth buying.

The 12 deals on 31 January totalled £50m, with the month’s spending £180m.

However, when Peter Crouch’s value was taken off, this fell to… well… £180m.

Crouch was one of the players for whom VAR was used… by scientists intrigued by his non-standard limb architecture.

The drop in deals is thought to be largely down to the demise of the fax machine, back in the 90s.

January 2018 saw £430m spent by Premier League clubs.

Though most clubs managed to offset this by selling a single pie at half-time.

That month £150m was spent on deadline day alone.

Though that figure drops to 53p, once it was adjusted for Alexis Sanchez’s fee and wages.

The biggest deal on transfer deadline saw Newcastle break their record to sign £20m Paraguayan playmaker Miguel Almiron.

Owner Mike Ashley financed the deal by selling a lot of big mugs.  Or ‘defenders’, as they claimed to be when signing.

Crystal Palace signed Chelsea striker Michy Batshuayi on loan, revealing the news after midnight.

The Belgian striker appears to be unsignable permanently, with the Eagles his 9,543,245th time out on loan.



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